i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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