just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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