My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My vagina just clenched in fear
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
