New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
