i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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