Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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