Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
