The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
