I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
