Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I love you. Go after that dick
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
