talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
