Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
