I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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