im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
