I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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