Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
