I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
