believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
