Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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