I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
