Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
