im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
