3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
there's paper in my vomit.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
