You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
