You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
