I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
