How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
