the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
what day is it and did you see me today?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
