So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
