the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
