so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
