I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
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