so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
