I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
