apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
