I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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