just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
