I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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