youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
