Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
