we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
