At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
