She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
