I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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