Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
