I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Sober January is a disaster.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
