I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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