So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
