Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
