I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
