Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
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