He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
