I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
