I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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